On Biting [continued]

We had some head-banging (against the wall) with our daughter.  As disturbing as it was, we just ignored it and it stopped. But with the hitting and biting...oy, do I wish I had a solution instead of just commiseration!  We've been having a lot of biting and one daughter broke her sister's skin for the first time recently.  My pediatrician told me that it is very normal for twins to bite because they are forced into 'social' situations at an age when that is very frustrating for them, but that doesn't make you feel better when you see it happening, does it? One daughter also does a lot of hitting/slapping to indicate frustration; she actually hits me a lot, ugh.

One thing I've been doing (with moderate success) is making them say 'sorry,' or I look them in
the eye sternly (sometimes I have to hold their faces to force eye contact) until I get some
recognition that they know they did something wrong (usually an apologetic/sumbissive hug).  One daughter usually responds to my stare by bursting into tears. I usually say something like, "I know you feel bad, but you made Mommy/your sibling feel bad when you hit." I try not to withhold affection but I find it tricky to give a hug in this situation, don't want the comfort
to be confused for acceptance...as I said...OY!

We haven't tried time outs, though they might be approaching an age where we could (they're about to turn two).  Other than that, we use the "No Biting" and"No Hitting" admonishments and watch them like hawks to prevent attacks!  

One more thing: I've tried REALLY hard not to use the word 'No' unless it is absolutely necessary, so that they only hear it when it counts.  It's not always possible, but if they are mimicking you "No, no" you might want to try phrasing things a different way, "Biting is Bad," "Hitting Hurts," "That's not acceptable."

This is tough, but a stage all twins seem to go through.  Sounds as if you’re taking the right
approach telling them “No hitting/biting/pulling hair/whatever is not okay.”  However, I think you CAN start time-outs at about 18 months (my twins are almost 27 months, and it seems as if we have been doing these for quite a while); they may not understand at first, but soon they will—“Would you like a time out? Then don’t hit/bite/etc.” or “Would you like a time out? If you hit/bit/scratch/etc. again, you will have one.” You will need many, many repetitions of this before you see change, but if my twins are typical, this kind of behavior will diminish as the ability to use words increases.

As for the self-flagellation, they may be just doing to themselves what they want to do to their twin, since they understand the latter is not allowed.  In the meantime, reward good behavior with lavish praise, emphasize how good it feels to share, and continue to maintain your standards when it comes to the stuff you don’t want to see.

Our b/g twins are now two years and change.  They also did a bit of biting at 18 months and often would hit their own heads to punctuate something.  Sometimes they would laugh and hit their head and laugh again. It is sort of like "creating an incident" and finding the power of that ability funny.  Sometimes they are also smacking themselves to pay themselves back for
having done something bad to the other.  Sometimes, if one accidentally bumps their head on the woodwork or the side of the table or something and cries, the other will give themselves a sympathetic bonk of the same nature.  We worked hard to nip that in the bud! They outgrew both, mostly, although occasionally there will be an attempt to bite in a big tug of war over a
toy and when one thinks we are not looking.  You may discover that yours are also discovering that they can hide things from you and will move quickly to do damage when you are around the corner or temporarily out of sight.  So watch out!  We had to step up our vigilance at that time.

But they did outgrow it with the sorts of education you are describing doing.  and time outs don't really work well yet, it's true.

My b/g twins are three years old now and my sister's b/b twins are two.  On hitting and
biting, I think it is not too early to start time outs at 18 months.  They should last only one or two minutes but should be firm and fair.  That means you put the biter in a pack 'n play or crib and tell him that he is there because he (whatever).  My daughter was a biter and my son was a pusher.  My nephews are still a little of both.  Time out seemed to help the offender calm down and stop them from doing more damage.  Re: hitting themselves, this is usually an attempt to get
your sympathy when you are feeling bad for the other twin (who just got hit or bit).  Try and ignore the self-smacking if you can.  My son quit this only after he actually bruised his own forehead a few times.

Our b/g twins started chomping on each other (and me) last spring and I must say I really freaked out. They still do some now (mostly biting out of enthusiasm or over-excitement) but it's much less.  I did these baby "time outs" where I said "NO BITING" very firmly and plopped the offender down facing away from the general action of the moment and lavished
attention on the victim.  Honestly, I have no idea if this helped or if they just are outgrowing it, but if it's any comfort to you now, they have recently started coming to apologize afterwards by petting and stroking, as if at least now they do know what they did was not kind.  Anyway, it's definitely an age stage; everybody in their little "Twos and Nearly Twos" preschool creche does the same thing.  At least the twins tend only to pick on each other and not total strangers in the sand pit.


Time-outs have worked for us at that age (they're now 25 months old), along with counting on
less egregious behavior (followed by a time-out if they don't comply by count of three, but that rarely happens); since about 14-15 months old, they've gotten that hitting leads to an automatic time out and as a result, we have a lot less hitting . . . the book Magic 1-2-3 was our guide (after hearing the author lecture) to the count-to-three-then-time out (but as I mentioned, we usually go stright to time out now for hitting, and it has stopped the behavior pretty much in its tracks), and the time outs are short (1-2 minutes) and followed by specific language, body language, and 'release' (apology, hug and kiss) -- I'd try it unless you're really averse to using time outs at this stage. We're often commended on how well our children behave, and they already generally love the extra benefit of knowing consequences beforehand.



I really think that at this age the best discipline is distraction. When someone is biting or pulling hair you obviously must remove him from the situation so that he doesn't hurt his brother but then try to immediately get him involved with something else -- grab a book or toy that you know he will like.  The point is to stop the hurtful behavior so as long as the offender is
occupied and playing happily, your goal is met.



You probably already know this, but the most important thing to do is to instantly separate the boys, so that you can address the "biter" in a disciplinary tone without confusing the "bitee." You need to be quick as lightning in order for the boys to connect what you're doing/saying to the act that just occured as well as what you're about to do.

For biting, I suggest firmly pressing your hand over the biter's mouth while saying "No Bite" in a firm tone with a serious expression. Be sure to establish eye contact when you're doing this. Remember, if you don't do this instantly after the bite, the child will not connect your gesture to his action.

Next, you want to quickly move away to the child who's been bitten (the "bitee") and offer soothing comfort, etc.  Ignore the biter now, even moving to the far side of the room if
necessary. The biter will not like being ignored and over time, will connect the act of biting to the discipline which follows. Give the "cold shoulder" treatment for just two minutes at most, since the child will not understand the behavior beyond that point.

For hitting, use the same technique, firmly holding the child's hand down while saying "no hit!"


My sister in law is a early child psych..she does EI, etc., and here is her reponse:

I'm not convinced that these boys are biting or hitting aggressively to any extreme.  You don't want them hitting and biting each other, but the mom described the biting as "teething" so she should not worry that the boys are overly-aggressive.  It's what toddlers do; toddlers really don't understand that biting and hitting hurts.  So continue to calmly explain to them that they can't bite or hit -- but this is practically "normal" behavior (as annoying as it is) in typically developing children at this age.

Unfortunately, (what a way to start a sentence!) while biting and hitting is kinda "what toddlers do" at this stage of the game you want to stop it asap, especially if it's aggressive biting (as opposed to when babies put everything in their mouths because they are curious).  If they are biting and hitting each other they are "on overload" and out of control. YOU don't want to lose control as well (otherwise they'll begin to associate negative reactions from you as attention).  You'll want to separate the boys (easier said than done, eh?) and as CALMLY as possible say something to the effect of "There is no biting," or "I cannot let you bite your
brother," or "I don't like biting and neither does anyone else," or simply "You may not bite, so I'll stop you each time until you can stop yourself."  Then just keep them separated until they are calm and THEN give them a more calming/soothing activity to keep them calm (such as reading a book or plopping them in front of the TV if you have to).  I am a HUGE fan of praising children when the are doing the RIGHT thing as opposed to trying to get them to do the right thing while they are doing the wrong thing.  Therefore, praise them for calming down once they do.  Also, when they are playing nicely always take the opportunity to praise them for how nicely they are playing together.  When they get a little older and understand (unless they understand now) you can give them a washcloth or a carrot and say "If you have to
bite -- then bite this."  But I'd hold off on that unless you cannot get them to stop biting by
separating them and calming them down and praising them for not biting.

Mine still fight at 2-1/2 at 18 months they did also. I put them in their cribs for time outs at this age and took everything out of the crib. Tthe doctors say not to do this because it gives them a
negative association with their cribs but I never found this, and it worked a bit, but twins will be
twins, it just kept them from hurting each other.

...And kicking, and spitting.  Me oh my!!

I go to the offender (if I can figure out who it was!!) and move to his/her level, with my face close to their's, and say in a serious tone, "No hitting (biting, etc.). Hitting hurts.  Be nice.  (Or be kind.)"  Then I cuddle the hurt child.  Has it helped?  Hmmm!  I think more than anything they outgrew it (they are now 23 months, still a little hitting, but not as much as earlier).  I hear them say, "Be nice" and "Be kind" to each other.

I do not think they are too young for time outs. One of my boys was a biter, the other one not. Their doctor was pretty firm on using an immediate time out for the biter. It worked at 18 months. After a couple of time outs, it would stop for a week or two. Then we had another round of a few time outs and it would stop for a month. After about three months, there was absolutely no biting anymore. The recommendation is not to do the time out in their beds. I found that they needed to somehow be restrained though. So, I put them in their
highchair (without food tray but strapped in) and moved the chair to a different location than the
table. I put the chair facing down the hall in our apartment, just so that he could not see what was going on but could still hear us. Just the mention of a time out now stops any bad behavior.

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